Welcome to the dazzling world of Madame Fulcrum. She’ll interpret your dental hygiene stars each month and provide uncannily accurate celestial advice based on your sun sign.
March 21 – April 19
Have you been feeling luckier, Aries hygienist? That’s because the stars formed an ascending aspect with the earth’s axis at a level tilt in a grand trine during the spring equinox. Or something like that.
April 20 – May 20
Taurus hygienist, we know the doctor tells the exact same joke to every single patient all day long, and we just want you to know that we hear your internal scream loud and clear. Hang in there.
May 21 – June 20
You know the old saying: you can take the Gemini hygienist out of the op, but you can’t take the op out of the Gemini hygienist. In other words, try to refrain from diagnosing strangers with perio when you’re out in public.
June 21 – July 22
April has so much in store for you, Cancer hygienist! The stars are in perfect alignment for your career to skyrocket. The question is: will you know it when you see it? (Hint: the answer is yes, and it looks like a beautiful new cordless handpiece).
July 23 – August 22
Have you been feeling bitter, Leo hygienist? A little restorative adhesive somehow made its way into your mouth but you don’t have any memory of this because it traumatized you to the point of blocking it out completely.
August 23 – September 22
Virgo hygienist, you’re always learning. Make sure there’s enough space in your brain for the important things, like trendy catchphrases that will impress your patients. Casually toss out a “suh” or a “cray” and immediately question whether you used it correctly.
September 23 – October 22
Libra hygienist, you may once again find yourself in the center of everyone’s universe in April. Your influence is growing, so make sure you are harnessing that power for good. Just because you can convince your co-workers to sharpen your instruments for you doesn’t mean you should.
October 23 – November 21
You mean serious business this month, Scorpio hygienist. If a pantsuit/scrub hybrid existed, you’d be wearing it.
November 22 – December 21
You might find yourself doing a little soul-searching this April, Sagittarius hygienist. Are you living your best life? The stars say that as long as you’re scaling and polishing your days away, the answer is yes!
December 22 – January 19
Look at you, Capricorn hygienist! March treated you very well, and April is about to be even better. You’ve got the brains, the beauty and, most importantly, the Type A personality. Watch out, calculus.
January 20 – February 18
You’re always the first to catch onto a trend, Aquarius hygienist. You’re the reason everyone is getting tooth tattoos. You’re also responsible for the floss dance and you should apologize to humanity.
February 19 – March 20
No other astrological sign is as wise as you, Pisces hygienist. You are full of great advice and you need to share it with the world. Specifically Uncle Rob – he really needs to get up in there with an interproximal brush, and it’s high time you tell him.