July's Hygiene Horoscope

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sometimes the simplest solutions are the hardest to come by because they just seem too easy. Chances are you’ll stumble across something that vastly improves your life, career or both – and you’ll realize it was right under your nose the whole time. (Hint: it’s more coffee.)

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have a natural knack for teaching, Taurus hygienist, and your patients and co-workers tend to hang on your every word. And they especially appreciate that your breath is always so pleasant.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

They say in a lifetime, the average person spends 38.5 days brushing their teeth. And in a lifetime, the average hygienist spends 9,203 days painstakingly removing all the plaque that the average person missed while brushing. Really puts things into perspective.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Cancer hygienist, it’s already almost August and you still haven’t come up with an elaborate tooth-themed Halloween costume, which is causing you extreme existential panic. Don’t dwell on it too much – the right idea will sprout up just like Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors WAIT WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Leo hygienist, August is the perfect month to branch out and try some new things. Rub charcoal all over your teeth, get photographic evidence, and tell your patients that you personally tried it and it didn’t work so stop.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The office you work for may have recently received a 5-star Yelp review, and while you’re not explicitly mentioned by name, you know it’s probably almost definitely about you.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

When work gets overwhelming, it’s OK to stop, take a deep breath and walk away. Just make sure you’re not in the middle of taking x-rays. Or scaling. Or polishing. OK maybe it’s best to just stick to the deep breaths.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In an effort to be more relatable to your younger patients, you’ll read articles titled, “Slang Words: What Are Young People Saying These Days?” and at least one of your co-workers will find out and judge you. Hundo P.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Showing up to work on time is one thing, but remember: showing up to a party at the time listed on the invitation means having to make awkward small talk until enough people show up for you to escape unnoticed into obscurity.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Capricorn hygienist, you may be running into a bit of a rut. Maybe consider getting a massage? But this time, don’t endlessly research a million different massage techniques in search of the perfect one, thus overwhelming you to the point where you don’t get a massage at all. I know you, Cap. Don’t do it.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Aquarius hygienist, you are great at making connections with people from all walks of life. This not only makes you an exceptional clinician, but being open to all these different perspectives also gives you unparalleled insight into the latest episodes of The Bachelorette.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Pisces hygienist, there’s a chance you have a scaler problem. You see a scaler. You want to buy the scaler. But you know you have like 30 OTHER SCALERS, most of which you haven’t even used yet. You don’t need a scaler. You’re probably not going to use the scaler anyway. DON’T BUY THE SCALER. You buy the scaler.